Ten telltale signs that you're gay

1. If you are over thirty and you have a six pack that doesn't comprise SAB products, you are gay. And that doesn't include those Breezers and faggy fruity drinks.

2. If you have a cat, you are a flaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay.

3. If your favourite ice cream one or those multi-coloured fruity phallus-looking ones, you are gay! A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws and tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink lattes with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. And if you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a knob there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap, as well as all the names of all the players in the Super 12, Formula 1, Premier League and the vital statistics of all the hotties in the chicks' Beach Volleyball comp from Sydney.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to hoot at a slow-ass driver or to cut the fucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat (or okay, maybe sometimes his own "honey" when stuck in traffic at Baccleuch).

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? That means anything with Hugh Grant, in case you were wondering. Except for Mickey Blue Eyes, cos that's a gangster classic!

9 and 10. These have been specifically reserved for use by ChumpStyle and its half-friends, in the "Reply to all" conversations that burn more people an itchy STD on a hot day in Bombay.

Or complete the list here.